take all of me:
Sebastian

Call me crazy,
Call me mad.
Call me whatever,
I don't really care
This is my paradise,
this is my voice
And if you're kind,
don't deprive me of my choice
I need to express,
so please don't make me suppress
There's always this little red cross
at the top of your screen
Do feel free to click it if you think I'm mean
Because honestly, this is me
And I am free
To do whatever I wish! :D

You were warned.. :P

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archives
Sunday, August 31, 2008
type six
I have finally found the type of person i belong to out of the nine types of the ''Enneagram''
after some research I conducted, I analysed all nine and i figured out my type. =D

I am type six, the loyalist.
Basically, there are nine types of people in this world, their types are fixed at a young age before 5, people tend to change or mold to other types or have different characteristics due to the change in environment or other social factors.. but the true core of a human is already fixed, more commonly addressed as one's ''true self''


Sixes are the most loyal to their friends and to their beliefs.
They will “go down with the ship” and hang on to relationships of all kinds far longer than most other types.
Sixes are also loyal to ideas, systems, and beliefs—even to the belief that all ideas or authorities should be questioned or defied. Indeed, not all Sixes go along with the “status quo”: their beliefs may be rebellious and anti-authoritarian, even revolutionary. In any case, they will typically fight for their beliefs more fiercely than they will fight for themselves, and they will defend their community or family more tenaciously than they will defend themselves.
The reason Sixes are so loyal to others is that they do not want to be abandoned and left without support—their Basic Fear. Thus, the central issue for type Six is a failure of self-confidence. Sixes come to believe that they do not possess the internal resources to handle life’s challenges and vagaries alone, and so increasingly rely on structures, allies, beliefs, and supports outside themselves for guidance to survive. If suitable structures do not exist, they will help create and maintain them.
Sixes are always aware of their anxieties and are always looking for ways to construct “social security” bulwarks against them. If Sixes feel that they have sufficient back up, they can move forward with some degree of confidence. But if that crumbles, they become anxious and self-doubting, reawakening their Basic Fear.
Until they can get in touch with their own inner guidance, Sixes are like a ping-pong ball that is constantly shuttling back and forth between whatever influence is hitting the hardest in any given moment. Because of this reactivity, no matter what we say about Sixes, the opposite is often also as true. They are both strong and weak, fearful and courageous, trusting and distrusting, defenders and provokers, sweet and sour, aggressive and passive, bullies and weaklings, on the defensive and on the offensive, thinkers and doers, group people and soloists, believers and doubters, cooperative and obstructionistic, tender and mean, generous and petty—and on and on. Type sixes are just a bundle of opposites.
Sixes are reliable, hard-working, responsible, and trustworthy.
Excellent "troubleshooters," they foresee problems and foster cooperation, but can also become defensive, evasive, and anxious—running on stress while complaining about it. They can be cautious and indecisive, but also reactive, defiant and rebellious. They typically have problems with self-doubt and suspicion. At their Best: internally stable and self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others.
weakness of type six
-emotional dependant on others for security
-indecisive and skeptical
-highly suspicious of oneself without support from others
-unhealthy sixes feel inferior easier without any affirmation
strengths of type six
-loyal to high authority, and friends
-possess good leadership with sufficient confidence
-the most alert amongst all the nine when it comes to sensing trouble
uniqueness of type six
-both strong and weak, high extremes of different personalities
-they need to feel secure and safe to be happy
thank you god for telling me who I really am, explaining all the various reactions and feelings I experience in life.
I have found my true self =D
what's your type?
http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/



{you are my light}
Saturday, August 30, 2008
what should I do?
sometimes I don't know why she still smses me, or wishes me good luck this past two weeks and even gave me a book..
doesn't she recognise my difficulty? so why..
doesn't she know talking to me just makes me feel worse?

I want to talk to her but I don't know how..
Yet I don't want to talk to her cuz I will get hurt..
And I know I can't avoid her forever..
So, what should I do? o.O


And I really wanna talk to her,
I haven't felt like this for ages..
But I can't..

shit..
I think I like her even more when I had a crush on M.....
D:




I guess I'm still not ready..
I failed the second test!!
damn..
maybe I shouldn't think too much, thinking is bad for me now..
I am one confused boy..



{you are my light}
Monday, August 25, 2008
prelims..
ok, tomorrow's the start of the prelims.

26th Aug- english
27th Aug-Additional Mathematics paper 1 & Social Studies
28th Aug-Chinese paper
8th Sep- Mathematics paper 1 & Additional Mathematics paper 2
9th Sep-Chemistry & Core geography paper 1 (physical geog)
10th Sep- Science practical
11th Sep-Elective History
12th Sep-Physics
15th Sep- Mathematics paper 2 & Core geography paper 2 (human geog)




zzz..here goes one month of exams.
tsk, sian..




I feel so 'stone' these few days..
I'm not happy at all & I don't know why..



{you are my light}
Monday, August 18, 2008
time to get to work

God, help me..
I know the prelims are only a week later,
I know that 10th oct is officially my last day of school,
I know that I am not going to do well at this rate and I'm running out of time.
Yet, despite knowing this, I still struggle to stay focused..
I know I made a mistake in falling in love,
I know I was stupid and blinded..


But please, Have mercy on my heart and soul...
It's too late to study now, It's too late to regret..
I may have invested in the wrong person emotionally
but is my O level results really the price to pay?
Do I really have to sacrifice my bright future for her?

I thought I was doing fine... But it gets harder day by day.. ..
I can't control it.. I don't know how to stop a feeling.. It's still there.. even after so long. I don't understand, I just don't get it.. I've already accepted the fact she's gone
so why.. ..?
and I'm trying so damn hard, I'd wish I was dead.. I wish I could go home, to heaven where there's no such thing as pain..

It's so exhausting, this continual mental reasoning is affecting me so much.
She left me at such a perfect time, despite the promise of not going to break my heart ever again, at least for the year..
she took my happiness and stole my heart.


So Lord, have mercy on me.. I don't want this.
I don't want to be a slave to misery
I want to be strong, I don't want to be the object of her ridicule and I refuse to give in..

Life isn't worth living without
no 1. happiness
no 2. a purpose

God, I need a purpose in life.. Please let me find a purpose before I totally destroy my life..
sigh..
Tell me I'm still special, tell me I'm still loved and valued.
Tell me you're proud of me, tell me I've done a good job
-cos your child is suffering in silence and in vain every passing day
would you lift me up and take away all that pain because it still can hurt me...
that hole in my heart is still dealing damage, when I thought it's not..




:')
I will fight the darkness for the remaining 8 weeks.. to finish the race against time.



{you are my light}
Saturday, August 16, 2008
spiderman at work
today me and nicholas went to suntec city for some lucky draw event and also to study a little bit of chem.. =D
after that, we happened to catch the french spiderman, Alan, at work, who was climbing the office tower one of suntec city mall.







he was really cool.. and because of watching his performance. I was late for tuition. -.-"



I got a real bad scolding cos I was late for tuitions soon after that.. ..
My parents kept insisting I went out with 'her'.
F**k it, I don't have a girlfriend anymore so stop reminding me that I used to have one! It's already quite disgusting to see couples holding hands walking around suntec, I felt so lousy today. :(




{you are my light}
Friday, August 15, 2008
CONGRATS SINGAPORE
looks like singapore is going to get its next olympics medal since 1960. =D
Feel so proud for team Singapore!


we'd been in a 8 months relationship today.. but oh well, =)
it's just another day



{you are my light}
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
IPP exercise
today someone told me pain was good, pain reminds you to treasure the times you didn't have any pain.. I'm having trouble understanding this.
hmmm.. oh well..

Ok, Today we had some precaution exercise to prevent toxic gas from entering.. and we had to seal the whole classroom with a layer of plastic sheet and even had to make a toilet with tables and chairs in case someone needs to answer nature's call and the classroom is sealed off..

It looked something like this .. couldn't get a good picture of it, the rubbish bag was the toilet bowl, and the tables as doors. The whole exercise was kinda stupid but well, it was fun to make the toilet though, and a ''free'' period is always welcome! xD




{you are my light}
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
GCE O level chinese results out
today was the release of the chinese O level results,
and thank you god. I shouldn't have doubted you, I never once believed I could even obtain an A grade for chinese ever since I stepped into secondary school. Although it's an A2 grade, but it's still a great accomplishment for me. Call me lucky or whatever, I believe it was God's grace that I managed to get A2. =)
hehe, i'm so happy!! I'm finally able to feel true joy after so long..


my friends were right, why should I make ''her'' responsible for my happiness?



{you are my light}
Monday, August 11, 2008
what a hot day.
today my friends say yin and nicholas came to play bball with me.. and it was scorching HOT.. and look at my hideous tan..!


I shall not wear slippers and play bball again... I shall go and fix my undistributed tanned parts of my body before anyone sees it.. =)

My body now has 4 different colours, white, brown, black and red..

what an art! haha

I'm doing surprising well today.. I didn't think that much about you.. I just might be able to get over you this time round. =D




{you are my light}
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Enough is enough
this is going to be an emo post.so don't flame me or whatever.I'm just writing down what I feel..

It has been more than 7 months now..
It all started with a simple hello, time passed and feelings grew, it seemed perfect whenever I was with you. No one could tear us apart..
And I was really happy.
I was often caught grinning from ear to ear whenever I thought about you. I thought, I had to be the luckiest and happiest person on earth.

however, I reflect upon myself this day and I realised. I was often caught sobbing whenever I thought about you. My heart just aches whenever I miss you.. My life is in pain, in misery and in darkness.
I asked myself, "Why come to this? Isn't love supposed to be sweet? Was there even supposed to be bitterness?"
Over and over again, I try and try to forget the past, forget every single word you used to tell me, and to forget you ever existed in my life.


but, You just had to pop in my head and torment me whenever I was alone..your once sweet and caring smile has now become my nightmare, the feeling of your touch is the reason behind my tears..
the emotional wound I struggled so hard to close was once again, reopened.

I want to be free from this torture, to be free from the endless pain, to be free from the taunting past that would rob my peaceful nights so mercilessly. I want to live a renewed life, I don't want to look like a fool anymore, I want to be someone useful, to be someone of importance and someone of value.

When you left me to get drenched in the rain, with the echo of my own voice as my only company.. I confronted my own feelings. "Is this the girl you really love? Would someone who ''cared'' for me treat me this way? Is this selfish person even fit to be your girlfriend? Is THIS really what you want?"
I realised that I have truely lost you and you will never return. From the girl who'd write me lovely letters, the girl who'd strum a melody on her guitar to send me to sleep, is now a girl who's cold and heartless and wouldn't even care about my feelings, only to be irritating in her eyes.

Enough is enough, I must still live my life even if the whole world lets me down, I have to move on.

If you're reading this, I want to tell you this.
I have to go now,
You live your life and I'll live mine.
You'll do fine and so will I
Cos we're better off separated
I used to cry,
But now I hold my head up high
And when you see me,
I'll be new,
Not that chained up little person still in love with you.


the lord will light up my path.. and you are not on it.



“I'm going to smile and make you think I'm happy, I'm going to laugh, so you don't see me cry, I'm going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me - I'm going to smile.”





{you are my light}



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