Monday, August 31, 2009
I am guilty..
Do I remind you
Of the pain
That he put you
Through, girl
Is that the reason
I'm to blame
Before I do it
Is it because he
Treated you badly
I always stand accused
Protecting yourself
From somebody else
I'm not
Who's hurting you girl
And it's
Killing me girl
Knowing you
Compare me to him
Always guilty
Before the sin
I can't win
I can't win no
(Chrous)
I'll do anything
To prove I love you
Baby girl
But I refuse to
Pay for something
I didn't do
I love you, girl
But I refuse to stay
Paying for his mistakes
(Verse 2)He left a scar
Across your heart
I understand, girl
Don't let his wrongs
Tear us apart
Cause girl
I'm your man
Just because he did
You swear
I'm cheating
You think
I just don't care
Why must I do time
For another man's crime
Girl you know
That ain't fair
And it's
Killing me girl
Knowing you
Compare me to him
Always guilty
Before the sin
I can't win
No I can't win
(Chrous)I'll do anything
To prove I love you
Baby girl
But I refuse to
Pay for something
I didn't do
I love you, girl
But I refuse to stay
Paying
For his mistakes
(Bridge)
I know
He did you wrong
But tell me what does
That have to do with me
Trying to show you
Something real
Figure out
What is going on
Before you look up
And I'll be gone
(Chrous)Oh I'll do anything
To prove I love you
Baby girl
But I refuseTo pay for something
I didn't do, girl
I love you
And I love you
I love you
(Chrous)I'll do anything
To prove I love you
Baby girl but I refuse
To pay for something
I didn't do, no
I love you, girl
But I refuse to stay
Paying
For his mistakes
{you are my light}
Saturday, August 29, 2009
A Photogenic Life
"Why must I always wear different masks wherever I go?"
I am so sick and tired of my life. Who can help me tear away these masks of mine that are lingering in my skin? Why must I play the role of a strong son in front of my parents, a smart student in front of my school teachers and a contended person in front of my classmates? Why must I keep telling everyone around me that I am the best, by putting on the mulitple masks of disguise for different people?
I looked into the mirror and I realised that I couldnt recognise myself. My relfection was of a faceless soul, awaiting the next mask to be placed on.
Why are we always trying to pose for the best posture for the camera, when we know we can never change anything... ?
What if you have no tomorrow to look forward to?
Low Kay Hwa, supposedly Singapore's no 1. best selling author, really has a way of connecting with people, especially teenagers. I really like his books luh..
{you are my light}
Friday, August 28, 2009
True heroes never lead good lives..
After watching the movie "Blood Diamond" today, I feel so unjust and upset.. because Danny Archer (Leonardo DiCaprio) died while trying to change the world.. True heroes really are admirable, they sacrifice themselves and are willing to be misunderstood. That selflessness and kindness, is something I wished I had... ):
I want to be a hero!! (:
Although the ending was rather depressing..
I also found it really touching.
Especially the part when the father hugged his son.
Although the son, being a child soldier, has killed countless people, taken so many lives..
his father still forgives him, simply because he is his son.
I felt tears prick my eyes at that scene...
"I am your father and you are my son. Always. I will love you, always.."
I was reminded of the biblical story "The Prodigal Son" in Luke 11:15-32
The son, belonging to a very rich family, decided to leave the house while taking a huge sum of money with him to waste his fortune on wild living. He squandered it all, and fell so low.. that he even had to steal food from pigs in farms. One day, he was reminded of his father and decided to go back to his father. His father, upon seeing his return, was overjoyed and did not care how he looked like or how much he had let him down. To him, his son has returned and that's all that matters. They embraced and a party was a thrown to celebrate his return.
God, I know you used the movie to talk to me.
Father, I am your son.. I'm sorry for all the sins I've committed.
All those times I let you down.. All those times I gave in to the devil..
Still, you came and embraced me in your arms.. And told me you love me.
Even though I know very well that an idiot like me doesn't deserve any of this.
{you are my light}
Monday, August 24, 2009
Domo Kun~!! >.<
I'm in a totally foul mood right now, I feel like ranting out loud. I don't care anymore.
"If humans didn't have any emotions, would this world be a better place?" Discuss.
I totally agree with the statement. Emotions = emotional luggage.
They only weigh people down, bring out the worse of people.
They make people suffer, impair their ability to perform well.
This is why we rather use machinery instead of human labour.
Humans have emotions, machines do not, and they perform much better than humans.
A simple example.
Today, I woke up, feeling excited.
It's a brand new day!! Yay! What a glorious day the Lord has made!! Amen!!
However, I received four knife-stabs today that really dampened my entire day..
killing off every trace of joy on my face
伤得遍体鳞伤..
First thing in the Morning,
Acers day dance...
[xxxx goes on stage]
seb: *reminded of something*
*stabs!*
"If a guy with a machine gun runs into college and starts shooting at everyone. Who will be the one you want to make sure is safe and by your side?"
seb: *gets the hidden meaning*
*stab stab!*
"But I don't think you'll want to know the answer."
seb: *answer is affirmed*
*stab stab and FUCKING STAB!*
"If only he knew.."
seb: *throws his phone into the bin*
*stab.. stab, eh.. There's nothing left to stab..*
All because of what we call emotions, it weighed me down.
Now I have decided that I will fail tomorrow's Econs test.. because I have lost my motivation, that excitement to push myself forward..
I really can't pick myself up... It hurts so bad... so bad..
If only I didn't have emotions.. I wouldn't be crying right now despite knowing it's not worth the time.
If only I didn't have emotions.. I'll be able to promote..
:(
at least domo kun's here with me.
He's really cute! xD
God, won't you just end my life..? sigh..
Anyways, Rest in peace Kim II Jung!
{you are my light}
Sunday, August 23, 2009
How to stop?
What we had was something special.
Deep down from our hearts.
But now I have to go away.
And leave you from my heart.
What is this feeling?
It comes on and off as it pleases.
Giving me headaches and taking all ease.
I thought I finally received a break.
Only to see the sun fall.
My eyes will not see what they longed to see.
My lips will not taste what they longed to taste.
Why does life have to be like this?
Full of hatred and pain,
Instead of joy and bliss.
Yet, in the lonely nights
Comforting myself that I'm still normal.
Sebastian, I tell myself.
This is life
I won't lose that ray of hope..
not now~!
{you are my light}
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Thank you, Yun Xuan
I will be strong, despite these setbacks.
It only affirmed me that I took the right path.
Thanks Yun Xuan, we took turns 'comforting' and giving advice to each other. haha xD
But I really appreciate every single word you said to me. I take advice seriously de (:
I just realised that I'm actually smiling quite a lot in school even though I have been facing "problems" regarding my emotional side.
These smiles aren't plastic or fake. They're real.
Lol, Mr Kellett's expressions never change at all.. o.o
amazing.
I have excellent classmates that are really caring.
Though not the brightest, but definitely a very fun group.
I certainly enjoy my current class a lot, although I miss the 'old days'..
But the past will never return no matter how much I 'mourn'.
It's time to move on.
With optimism, I shall embrace the world once more.
{you are my light}
Friday, August 21, 2009
Tragedy of the 21st..
Today, the 21st.
A mix of feelings, joy, anger,
sadness, and guilt.. coupled with some pain.
I laugh with you, not at you.
Domo kun~, Parade square.
My mind starts to drift. where? You.
Feign insouciance by way of a smirk. Because I can.
Econs lecture, Unemployed.
Beep, I check my phone; 9.43a.m.
A lie!
I refuse to comply. Because I can.
Blood diamond. Civil war.
I still float towards you. why? Damn.
I lock the gate, toss the keys, and smile. Because I can.
Before you were mine. High heels.
Once more she appears. Who? Angel.
I panic, but still I avert her gaze. Because I can.
I see pain, I see me.
I blind myself to avoid disgust.
I stand before the White Cross, in black.
Epilepsy. Trembling, yet passionate.
I say a prayer.
Please, Stop your crying now.
Stop living another day in disguise.
The drums start beating, the war begins.
*Looks up*
How about now? I think not. Because I can't.
How tragic.
Today, I lost a friend..
{you are my light}
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Dear Norman
Does my ability to sense demons and devils scare you?
Does the truth about the constant betrayal I experienced entice you to "pitying me"?
Does my parochial language, narrow view of life, regressive and pessimistic emotions surprise you?
Does my 'fake smile' deceive you?
Has the injustice of my past made me 'vindictive'?
Is my heart, 'cheated of deformity'?
What is it I seek?
...When will my "dawn" arrive?
OK, enough dramatic monologue
I think yesterday's analysis of me made me little 'cranky'.
I feel like doing more further analysis on myself..
Basically, I feel that I'm a template person but yet, very complex as well.
I dislike rules to the core, but ironically, I find them highly necessary in our lives.
I always strive to break as many rules possible, whenever opportunity presents itself, cuz I love it. However, I still feel that we all need rules to survive..
Rules offer stability and order in our lives. If we all were to break every single rule, doing what we like to do, and not what may be good for us, it will lead to our doom eventually.
None can escape the inevitable fact that what we like, may not be what is good for us.
As I explore myself deeper, into the depths of the unknown,
On a conquest with a blurred aim, an unclear motive.
It feels like diving.
My path has lost direction, my confidence has abandoned me
The clouds above move closer, looking so dissatisfied..
The ground grew colder,
But the heartless wind kept blowing.. kept blowing..
God,
"Thy word is a lamp onto my feet and a light unto my path.."
I will not forget
Your love for me and yet,
My heart forever is wandering.
Jesus by my guide,
And hold me to your side,
And I will love you to the end.
{you are my light}
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Today's the 19th..
After having "lit tuition" with Sarah, I am quite intrigued at how she interprets literature as a subject. Sarah views literature as a revenue for self reflection.. Where she strongly believes that a person's character shapes a person's writing, as writing is very personal and intimate.
What kind of writing you produce defines your character.
It's really quite interesting and because of that..
She "dug up", most of my unsightly past.. Trying to figure out what kind of a person I am, in an attempt to let me to produce my own, personal style of writing in the future. This will be hard for me due to my "adaptability" as well as "skeptivity" of myself;I often doubt myself and I tend to follow other's perception and views, rather than my own.
Either way, I do not have the time for procrastination, I have to develop my own style of writing fast if I were to excel in literature as A level literature is twice as hard as university literature (According to Sarah), and unfortunately, time constraint is currently my number one enemy.
This song of hope, is once a raging fire..
now like ice.
It breaks.
In this farewell, there's no blood.
There's no alibi.
I've drawn regret from the truth, within a thousand lies.
Let mercy come, wash my sins and
God, be my ally.
As I fight against time.
God, give me hope!!
{you are my light}
Monday, August 17, 2009
Sebas.. stop crying
I REALLY like this song.. even after listening to it so many times. It never fails to touch my heart..
要不是你让想念猖狂打破天窗
我不会发现枕头上的荒凉
以为你就是故乡
却变成我的流浪
谁的傍晚是谁的天亮
十九八七六十六亿人同时狂欢
五四三二一个人倒数孤单
回忆的拥挤广场
假装你还在身旁
就像你最爱依赖我的肩膀
第一行诗的狂妄
第一首歌的难忘
第一次吻你的唇 你的倔强
第一颗流星灿烂
第一个天真愿望
第一个诺言美丽的荒唐
你教我爱的善良
你教我恨的野蛮
你教我忘记该忘 伤心太伤
那些你教我的事
让思念更苦更长
只想问
想念的
想念的
想念的你
怎么样
爱情是信仰
或只能是旅途风光
那女孩带我漫游一次天堂
你教我怎么爱上
却没教怎么遗忘
让我的阳光
都变成了泪光
{you are my light}
Quotes from Eunice
I have decided to write about Eunice, my interesting classmate (:
*to boost your 'ego' haha*
Eunice aspires to be a journalist, which is really a very noble job.
I really think she has the capability of doing well in her dream job, as she has the ability to write very well, and she can express herself in an extremely unique way which I have never seen anyone else do as well before.
Eunice is also a female vampire that feels 'shy' when complimented.
She seems like she hardly receives praise, its even possible that she's been labelled as totally weird and 'crazy'.
But, I think otherwise.. although she can make totally random comments at times. I think its part of her personality that is really striking and interesting. I think Eunice is one of the smartest girls I have ever met =)
I especially like the way she 'analyses' me (:
"I think you are a simple guy with simple wants, yet complicated.
it's hard to explain. there is something special about you.
it's like you are constantly battling a dark side.
but both sides to me are what make you very special.
and you are a nice guy, honest i think.
and you are easy to feel comfortable around, because you, seem real."
What is "real"?
real means not plastic..
Many people in today's world like to make their lives seem perfect.
Happiness must co exist with sadness before they mean anything.
Eunice, you're right about me.
I don't boast much, I don't want to make my life perfect.
Nobody's perfect, and we shouldn't try to make it perfect..
One who seeks perfection in this world, is probably the saddest person in the world..
Because the very fact lies that happiness must co exist with sadness to have meaning :)
{you are my light}
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Learning how to rest is even harding than learning how to mug
Learning how to stop thinking is harder than thinking non-stop
I seem to be having trouble "resting" and trouble "not thinking", which is rather ironic.
Resting is supposed to be easier than racking your brains, killing brain cells to mug.
Apparently, this isn't the case for me..
My brain seems to be 'turned on' for 24 hours.. I can even dream of Economics theories.. which is rather appalling..
Maybe its because I do not know the definition of "rest".
I always thought Resting = slacking/doing nothing/playing games
which leads me to feel guilty when I slack, and leads me to feel that I'm wasting time.
So, to make up for the time I "wasted", I tell myself to do more work instead.
I end up doing more work... and not resting well =(
my poor state of health is evidence of that..
I can't seem to stop thinking of a lot of unnecessary stuff,
I can think about all aspects of life, love, experience, expectations, acceptance, etc..
and I can't seem to stop..
Even a simple quote from Eunice can make me go thinking for so long..
"失恋的挫折让人变更成熟, 所以我才选择做比情人更好的朋友"
Although this theory looks good on paper, it's actually extremely hard to execute. :(
I still struggle with this after so long.. I won't deny it..
but I still miss the old days, where I was really really happy.
Feelings aren't something that will go away easily if you ask it too I guess.. ):
God, teach me how to stop thinking of stuff that only hinders my performance..
Teach me how to get sufficient rest, yet achieve maximum results out of the limited time I have.
I want to be still, and know you are God.
我要安静, 知你是神..
而你是一个帮助人的神.
{you are my light}
Friday, August 14, 2009
Cling unto hope, even if it kills you
Hope is something so frail, yet faith as small as a mustard seed has the power to move mountains. I want to hold unto hope, no matter how bleak or futile it may seem.
With only less than 50 days to the promos, the race against time has started once more.
"If hope is a song, then it's all over-
But if it's played on repeat, it is never over."
I can do it!
I will have to learn how to accept myself, for my strengths and weaknesses..
God, I want this surge of confidence in me to never fade..
I want to cling unto hope, even if it kills me.
*I took the pictures above myself. ahaha xD
so artistic right?? =)*
{you are my light}
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Reflections..
I just realised how adaptable I am..
Perhaps it is a gift and a curse.
I always found it strange why I could become so random,
I seem to have the ability to surprise/entertain people easily, be it my 'acting' or my character.
I can adapt easily to situations,
and I progress quickly once I really understand the logic behind it.
It's also my curse as I don't seem to have a fixed personality of my own, a 'true self'.
I can become very capable at one moment, yet become totally useless the next.
I can be very emotionally stable at first, yet suffer from a bipolar disorder later on.
I am so easily molded by what people think of me. I tend to not have any opinion of my own, and I find this fear of rejection so compelling.
After this few days of serious reflecting,
I realised..
I always saw myself as being humble, as I always take in criticism without complain, allowing myself to be trampled.. and easily influenced by how others perceive me to be.
It never occurred to me that it would be false humility..
I thought true humility is cutting yourself down and letting people walk all over you; but I was wrong.
‘Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought,
but rather think of yourself with sober
judgment.’ Romans 12:3
I have seen myself more lowly than I should.
I have mistooken humility for the bad self-image I have created..
I think myself so poorly that I lack confidence, boldness or assertiveness.
I always reject the good comments I receive from other people,
"Sebas, you're a good drummer","Sebas, you're good in Maths"..
Honestly, I never really believed I was good in anything.. Even if I do, that feeling won't last
because my negativitiy will somehow darken out the light in my positive heart..
Sometimes, I even get the feeling that humility is to be humilated..
I finally know that it is wrong.
I have denied the fact that I matter to God..
I once viewed it as 'fashionable' to cut myself down or to minimize my gifts or to keep quiet because I often see my ideas as not worth sharing.
I have lied to myself for so long..
I guess I have yet to accept myself for who I am, which really is the cause for my identity crisis I have facing now..
I need to have an accurate view of myself now, thinking no more and no less than I am.
I want to boast about my weakness and God's sufficiency, God made me 'weak' for a reason.
So that I can be vessel for him to perform miracles on.
Not by my own strength, but by God's grace.
Boasting is the way some people cope with insecurity, many people are easily insecure. We're dying to feel good about ourselves, but pridefully building ourselves up will only cease to destroy us in the end.
God, I want to embrace true humility.
For a servant can only serve its master well with humility.
{you are my light}
Thursday, August 06, 2009
Econs crazy
My love for you is like an expansionary fiscal policy, only increasing over time.
The expansionary fiscal policy fills up the deflationary gap, just like how this love fills up the emptiness in my heart. My demand for you is perfectly price inelastic.. and will not change easily.
{you are my light}
Monday, August 03, 2009
I decided not to be emo anymore..
This will be a new start to my life..
My mugging life.
hahahaha
all unwanted emotions blocking my path shall be discarded!!
=.= ...
{you are my light}