take all of me:

Sebastian

Call me crazy,
Call me mad.
Call me whatever,
I don't really care
This is my paradise,
this is my voice
And if you're kind,
don't deprive me of my choice
I need to express,
so please don't make me suppress
There's always this little red cross
at the top of your screen
Do feel free to click it if you think I'm mean
Because honestly, this is me
And I am free
To do whatever I wish! :D

You were warned.. :P

CONVERSATION

EXITS

alex
alina
amanda
anqi
ben
brenda
calvin
chanping
cher
deanna
edwin
ethel
eunice
foo hou
gail
hilary
hsieh wen
jian quan
joelle
juliana
junhui
junxi
jun yuan
kaishan
keqin
leonard
lim xinyi
mandy
ona
priscilla
reginald
renyi
sabrina
say yin
say wee
sean
shayne
sherilyn
shiva
shumin
sihui
suyi
sze hui
sze min
teo xinyi
theresa
thomas
ting hui
vanessa
wan xing
winston
wenqi
yeesuan
yeow boon
yuan jun
yuen
yuen man
yuen ping
yun xuan
yuqi
zhi ming
zhi wen
zi keng
602 04'
jipabun
MSHS hu dept
NYJC L&F
NYCO
NYJC student council

archives

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Always be my baby

just three words..
I LOVE YOU =)

I mean what I say.. and I'm sure you know that :)
Thanks for trusting me, I won't let you down!
For the first time,
Heart's beating for you, mind's thinking of you..
yeah, sick..
Love-sick that is.. ^^

k la, I go sleep.. later tmr you ninja me -.-
I love you
Let's make this last!

{you are my light}

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Someday hopefully, I'll have a story to tell..

History never looks like history when you're living through it. It always looks confusing and messy, and it always feels uncomfortable.

Some questions are probably best left unasked. I know I should push them aside and wait for life to unfold its mysteries. When I grow old, and as I tell my story, will I remember the doubts and endless questioning? Or will I have forgotten the silent longings; will they wash away like footprints on an ocean shore? Or perhaps I'll be telling the same young fool the same things I get so tired of hearing from others.

As I stand on this side, with no clear sense of direction. I'm right in the middle of messiness and confusion. I still have so many questions/ When will I know? How would I know?
Is this story going to be worth telling?

big questions asked.. But will the answers be good? Will there even be answers?

hmmm..
only God knows, and time will tell.

{you are my light}

Monday, April 19, 2010

^^

I wish every conversation could be like that.. It really feels different knowing that you are not alone.. I must learn how to wait.. The longest I've waited is a month and a half.. I don't know how long I'll need this time round. I may not know what I'm putting myself through, but it's making me so happy, I can't believe it.. It feels like a dream..

hmmmm..
but will I be forced to wake up and face cold reality then?
If this were nothing but a 'dream'.. Honestly, I don't wanna wake up.

{you are my light}

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Patience is a virtue..

I guess now what's left is to wait. I honestly never expected the reaction to be this..
and I thought I would once again, face rejection.. as I always have. I guess this time, I'm going to try for happiness, take a shot at it.

I shouldn't love you,
but I want to,
I just can't turn away..
I shouldn't see you,
but I can't move,
I can't look away..
And I don't know
how to be fine when I'm not.
Cause I don't know
how to make a feeling stop..

Just so you know,
this feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it..
Thought you should know,
I tried my best to let go of you
but I don't want to..

It's getting hard to be around you
there's so much I can't say.
Do you want me to the hide the feelings
and look the other way..

This emptiness is killing me
I'm wondering why I waited so long..
Looking back I realised it was always there
just never spoken..
I'm waiting here,
been waiting here...

I am fully aware of all the risks and dangers involved, but I know what I'm doing. For I am a miracle-believer, I will not lose hope. Not when I've regained it, not when the darkness in my heart is slowly fading away.. I will still get those As in the exams, and it will not be at the cost of my happiness, my genuine smile which I thought I had long lost.. No matter what happens, I won't fall anymore!

{you are my light}

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Promises are meant to be kept!

I was taught from young that when you make a promise, you jolly well keep it and mean it. And most of all, not to break the hearts of other people with your empty promises.

"You promise? Pinky promise?"

"Yes, I will keep my promise!"

Today's PW results release was 'epic'. I got an A grade, but it was so totally Anti-climax luh.. Well, at least our CT attempted 'joking' with the class before releasing our results.. Seriously, her lack of concern and respect doesn't even affect me anymore.. I didn't know how I even managed to survive one whole year under her.. Tsk! Well, at least she was much better this time as compared to when she gave us back our A level Chinese results.. -.-
But oh, don't get me wrong! She's still a bitch, a 100% bitch!
Shall not waste time on her..

Econs test was another epic fail! Totally got raped by the paper.. T.T
I think next week I'll be off the band for sure.. -.-"

School life is getting more stressful lately.. It's literally test after test and there's almost no end to it... To make things worse, CO trainings have intensified. I'm probably not going to be free for the whole of next week luh.. Not even a single day I guess.. Sigh.. =(

Hopefully, everything will be better after my concert! xD
I want to eat Taiyaki, watch shutter island, go shopping, play bball with those guys, and do much more other stuff with my good friends!!

24th April marks the first step to freedom! =D

{you are my light}

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Blessed..

Life's good to me today.
Felt a lot better compared to yesterday, didn't feel so alone, not so rejected by society..
I even laughed today! ^_^

However, I'm not really studying my econs nor doing my maths assignment.. Felt so damn full after the satisfying steamboat buffet and desserts! xD
simply wanted to nua, and just get fat there.. haha!
Never expected myself to have so much fun eating out with them and just talking crap. haha so I guess tmr's gonna be a new day for me; release of PW results plus test..
So just how well prepared am I for the test tmr? D:

Define monopoly
Ans: A bloody boring game with a perverted old man as its logo and published by Parker Brothers..

*I know it's lame, but if it really comes out.. I will actually be clueless as to how to answer it. I haven't really revised it yet... =x*

I think if I can get rid of this fear (and laziness) inside of me,

I know I will do well! =D

{you are my light}

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I really need to calm down..

Today is a way too tiring day for me. I could barely open my eyes during Econs lecture.. I hardly heard a word during lit, and if I wasn't forced to consume some food by someone, I guess I'd have just collapsed in fatigue or something during history lecture.
This is bad.. I've not absorbed a single thing in 3 days.

look at all the crap I drew during maths.. It's really getting on my nerves..
I'm not myself... and I hate it!

I HATE THIS! sigh..

My mother freaked out today when she saw my face..

"Your eyes look so ghastly, it's like staring into darkness.. "

I could tell, she was worried sick.. I felt bad too, when my excited sister told she did well for her Jap and Lit test, but all I did was ignore her completely. I know she cried. And even my concerned father as well..

"Son, I haven't seen you smile in a month. Try to enjoy life more okay?"

"I can't smile anymore," was the answer he got.

People ask me "Why the fuss over such problems? They aren't so significant after all.. "

Well, they're MY problems and that makes them important.

But despite all that's said... I'm not solving anything, I'm merely running away.

No longer fighting those demons, I have chosen to become a coward only capable of fleeing.

I don't even have the courage to wield a sword for protection anymore.. =(

Dear Lord,

I need strength.

Please save me!!

Miracles still happen, don't they?

I really don't want to get cancer..

I really don't!! ='(

{you are my light}

Saturday, April 10, 2010

I am happy!

I think out of all my recent blog posts..
I don't think there is really a single one entry that shows me actually expressing my joy and happiness. I don't know why, but I'm feeling blessed today.. Truly blessed.

I always believe that everything happens for a reason, and whatever comes into my life, has a purpose. Just like a play, every action, every speech holds an importance to the entire play. I think every event that has happened, or every single person who touched my life is not a coincidence, nor is it a 'mistake'.

I think I should give thanks. I'm always ranting, complaining about life and entering into states of parochialism. So today, I'll start afresh!
maybe simply because love is so strong, it stands above all.
And it has healed my heart..

I want to give thanks to God
for..
1) Allowing me to still have miraculous grades (to me) even though I slacked so much
2) Giving me the assurance when I needed it
3) For blessing me with such a great family! xD

I want to give thanks for my church cell members, especially Sihui,
for..
1) Taking time out of your busy schedule to pray for me
2) Spending time talking to me regarding life issues
3) Making that effort to console me, to affirm me :)

I want to give thanks for my friends in school
for..
1) Being sensitive to my 'emo' moments
2) Giving me comfort as and when I needed it
3) Not leaving me in the lurch :D

and I want to give thanks to you.

I know you want to find out what's real and what's not.
Everything's real.
of course look at it, in a non-dirty way la!

That night, I really poured everything out.. Well, the main gist of it.. My life isn't filled with that much sorrow la.. haha
I really felt that I was accepted, and you really made me feel much better than night. I truly felt more relaxed (not dirty way of course..)
I have been holding on so tightly, defending so fiercely, almost like to guard myself from the dangers of this world.. I was always in doubt, of other people, of myself..
But thanks to you, I learnt how to trust once more. You may not know, but I really felt my heart ache so badly when I saw you in school.. It got worse when I witnessed you crying and sobbing so uncontrollably. Not just because of guilt, but also because I was powerless to do anything.. Literally, there was nothing I could do. Here I went blabbering on about how I would protect you, but I gave you pain instead. I failed to guard your heart.. You're important to me. So don't cry already okay!

Too bad Kanon was down today.. I wanted to watch it with you. haha oh wells, there's always another time right? =)
Til then, take care!! xD

yay! Happy today!

{you are my light}

Thursday, April 08, 2010

It's time I let go of my sword..

Held on so tightly, this weapon of mine.
Thought if I let go, I'll be weak and powerless..

Guess I got everything all messed up..
Thought I was better off on my own, looks like I was wrong.

I have to let go.

Everything I've fought against was nothing but myself..
Fighting with the inner demons that were self created. I needed no one.
So I thought..
But I felt God talking to me through this anime Konan, as the character Mai, who is a demon slayer and a highly introvert one.
Nobody seems to understand her, she's perceived as a freak and everyone just flees at her presence. Eventually, young Mai learns how to build barriers around her heart, as she accepts her fate and locks herself up. She fights alone, always.

I never knew how much I had hurt others with my actions and words.. Just like Mai, I've shunned the people that are truly concerned about me because I was so stupid and so selfish.. I'm bounded by this darkness, by my shadow..
I was on the verge of losing everything dear to me, everything so precious and valuable.. I was ignorant and foolish..

But today,
I am going to be one step closer to freedom because I deserve to be.
I am going to smile, like how I used to.
I am going to learn how to love once more.

The following is for a special someone:

"USE YOUR UGUU POWER!!"

Thank you too. Because of you, my heavy heart feels lighter. I can feel my pain easing day by day, and it is your care and concern that saved me. I won't destroy everything that we've built together. Those happy times we shared, I shall not erase them. Caring has the power to cure.. I want to protect you just like how you have protected me, I want to make you smile because you made me smile. You are just so important to me, I can't explain it. So dear, thank you for everything! I know that you are someone that I can depend on, seek comfort in even in times of darkness. You'll be right there standing, providing me with light to carry on, always. Thanks for being there whenever I needed you. =)

{you are my light}

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Happy April's fool Day!

Irritated, pissed, upset?
I understand.
I cried out loud, without consideration
to how my neighbours felt.
Only to be full of sorrow and self-pity..

I bet you cried too.
Underneath that strong appearance,
lies the softest of all hearts.
It was either you or me.
I chose you..
Looks like it's your happiness for the cost of mine.
I'm willing to take the blame,
if it spares you the shame.

haha, Happy April's Fool's day!
Guess I was a real classic fool today..

{you are my light}