Saturday, July 31, 2010
Think of you
When i dream i think of you
breath i think of you
all day i think of you
give all my love to you my baby boo
swear its true all i do is think of you
When i pray i think of you
far away i think of you
all day i think of you
my heart belongs to you my baby boo
yes its true all i do is think of you
I love the way you make me feel.
This got me stuck between my fantasy and what is real.
I need it when I want it.
I want it when I don't.
Tell myself I'd stop everyday,
Knowing that I won't
And I know this much is true
Baby, you have become my addiction.
I'm so strung out on you
I can barely move...but I like it,
and it's all because of you.
Cliche I know, but I'll admit it...
I am in love with you, and I miss you..
I know my image to you is probably obliterated, demolished, and possibly wrecked and tattered into pieces. Maybe I don't deserve you, or perhaps I am not entitled to your love since I have done, ... with ... that aren't so pleasing. I know I have freaked you out today, and I'm sorry. I wished I could simply discard my darkness into a thrash bin or something, removing it comprehensively and completely. It's like a tattoo that I can't remove, a stain that stays and lingers on, refusing to come off. I can only choose to walk away and get over it, which I have.
But I won't deny, it hurt upon knowing your reaction.. And you probably didn't know the amount of courage I mustered to tell you, the amount of bravery I gathered. I know you want the truth, you always wanted to know more and more, your curiousity seems like a bottomless pit, never-ending and always growing deeper. But how much can one take? I hope nothing will change after everything today- foolish I may be, but hope I will, continue holding onto.
During these 3 months, I knew I had to protect you. Your innocence, unsophisticated, 'child-like' attitude towards life was something that I was determined to ferociously defend at all costs. But darling, I've also learnt that over time I have seen you fully capable of being self-independent and you are able protect yourself just fine. And I know you have become someone I can trust, someone that I can just pour my heart's deepest troubles into. So, please don't make me lose that trust..? I have given you my heart. Something I hold dear to and it means a lot to me. Maybe just for once,
Could you protect me?
I really don't want it to affect or come between us anymore.
It isn't fair.
And I hate it.
All the knowledge I possess everyone else can acquire, but my heart is all my own
- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
Sigh.. I really miss you.. :(
{you are my light}
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
High Road
All I really need is some room to breathe
Is anybody out there listening?
Rumors and labels and categorization
I'm like a struggling doctor, no patients
But you can say what you want about me
keep talking while I'm walking away
You can say what you have to say
'cause my mind's made up anyway
I'm taking the high road going above you
this is the last time that I'm gonna trust you
You can say what you have to say
'cause my mind's made up anyway
all that bullshit you talk might work a lot
but it's not gonna work today
No one judges you because no one can.
no one hurts you because no one can.
no one tells you what to do because no one can.
But that doesn't mean you can. haha doesn't matter..
After all, I'm one of them aren't I?
Suffocate, strangulate, asphyxiate.
This facade determined to destroy, I will.
I know you show no contrition, penitence or slightest bit of remorse..
Look in my eyes and find blithe and amusement in the fear I've hidden so well.
Your intimidating hawk-like stare searches deep, preparing for the kill.
Petrified and panic-stricken, I search for a place called 'home', but with no avail. You tie an invisible rope around my throat and take delight in my futile struggle..
Each day, I ponder to myself and I question your conscience..
But with each passing day, the rope gets tighter-
yet your smile gets wider.
Are you even human?
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
Romans 8:1-2
I know God will free those from punishment completely, but I always wonder what's the incentive for people to not commit crimes and sins, if they can always get forgiveness anyways. Does that give them the license to sin, because they intend to repent afterwards?
{you are my light}
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Hold on hope
"That nothing grows on,
But time still goes on,
And through each life of misery,
Everybody's got a hold on hope,
It's the last thing that's holding me."
I really shouldn't be blogging but.. I need an outlet to express myself before I can really get into the mood of studying.
How do you feel when nothing goes right? When your heart screams for company inside, wants to be heard so badly? A listening ear is all you ask for. A glimpse of hope is all you wish to see. Desolation and emptiness fills your stomach, and your soul wanders off in search of some security and comfort. Languidness, languor and lassitude find their way into the physical and spiritual self, attacking your willpower and your mental endurance starts to thin out. This week, it feels like as though I've been fulgurated, hard stricken by a jolt of lightning.
Mid year results.
In a nutshell, the only commendable subject would be my History which I surprisingly touched a B grade. The rest were just.. disappointing and demoralising.
Still, I give thanks because I have learnt so much more and I will not lose that precious light called hope. Though surreal and phantasmagoric, hope is something we ought to keep holding onto. Perhaps we think optimisim is just mere fiction or characterized by fantastic imagery and incongruous juxtapositions. Think that, and we've unknowingly resigned ourselves to failure. Excellence is to do our very best and attempting to surpass our own limits, and without the element of wanting to 'keep on moving', we'd always be stuck at a level of prolonged stagnation.
I want to do well, this time. For real.
I'm tired of stagnating, and I am constantly on the verge of falling. Just a little push, and it is enough to make me hit rock bottom with a sore bum.
Now I know, that I'm really just a pawn in His hands, and defiance of the individual will against the powers of the divine just proves to be nothing but tragic futility.
Now I know.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
-Matthew 11:28-30
Take 10, people!
Admittedly, though I recall whining and complaining about the rehearsal schedules and all the 'pointless' practice sessions, I know that inside I feel this indescribable sense of accomplishment and fulfillment. Maybe without notice, I have harboured an unsatisfiable desire to keep on playing and playing with these guys, indulging in the healing powers of music. It's a great memory to take away from NYJC. And when we graduate, I know I will always remember this day, a day full of suspense and excitement, a day as clear as crystal and as fresh as ever.
But I guess now is the time to focus on studies and concentrate solely on A levels.
A pact made with my dearest,
And a promise to myself I must fulfill.
To this 106 days rat-race, I shall not kneel
Time is the key and what I must wrest.
Look nowhere but inside your heart-
though ruthlessly torn apart,
someone must take charge!
God I surrender myself to you
for I know I'm in safe hands-
even though I wished I knew
about those grand plans.
"Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future."
Can I depend on you..?
{you are my light}
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Hold on
Lord, here's my prayer to you.
To give thanks for this week,
and also to seek strength from you,
so that I can continue to hold on, and don't stop my breathing..
This week has been a rather inspiring week though it's undoubtedly tiring and disappointing in so many aspects. I still choose to give thanks for these 'setbacks' because when one hits rock bottom, there is only one path left to take, and that is to go upwards. I give thanks for the discipleship session with En Han and David. It feels good to hang out with people whom are on a much higher level of maturity compared to me, and I'm able to depend on them for advice.
And it's fun to laugh at En Han's socially awkwardness when dealing with humans of the opposite gender. haha xD
It's really touching that he actually remembered my birthday and got me a sweet card, which I am very honoured to have received it. It wrote:
The world's greatest teenager:
This person is qualified to receive this award because after extensive and detailed research, it has been found that he/she is
Totally cool
Never causes any trouble
Smashingly brilliant
Virtually perfect in every way
Though people might find it lame and stupid, I think so otherwise since he only gave it to two people in church til this day, so there ought to be some value in it yes?
I often wonder why people backstab one another, hurt one another and enter the path of revenge, when it only leads to greater hurt.. I wonder why people like to condemn others when they themselves are not perfect.. I wonder why people fight, when we can live in harmony. Is there really no hope, no room for improvement even? :(
I guess this world is really just a zero-sum game and there is simply no such thing as a win-win situation. Maybe this world needs more love, needs more encouragement and less bitterness..
"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who ill-treat you.
If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic.
Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. " -Luke 6:27-30
It's so simple, yet so difficult.
This mid years results; not good. I haven't failed Maths for such a long time, perhaps this is God's version of a wake-up call for me to really start investing time in my rusty Mathematics.. My other H2 subjects aren't fantastic either, with Economics estimated to fail and Lit with a rather disappointing outlook.. I know it's time to start moving, time to wake up, and hopefully it isn't too late..
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I can change, the courage to change the things that I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.
"Do you know how to grill a steak?"
I guess I still don't,
would you guide and teach me how to?
{you are my light}
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
I see your true colours
Nothingness show its nature when change happens and you are in the awareness of change, not under the concept change
Today I finally see a glimpse of what the world looks like. So much has changed, and to a degree I wonder: why do people even change? I don't understand anymore. Logical people become sentimental, and emotional learn to strategise. Jigsaw puzzles are meant to confuse and one missing piece makes the final work incomplete. I wonder if people change just because they feel like it, or because it is really time for change.
I did feel like a mouse playing a in cat's territory today. I felt like I'm just being stared at and waiting for the cat to devour me whole, and I've entered a cat's world.
Who knows? I'm just saying. Mouses are pests and disease spreading creatures. Perhaps the very purpose of domestication of cats is to catch and to hunt mice. And by doing so, the law and order gets maintained and everything'll be in control.
"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts."
-William Shakespeare
Maybe it's true. We're all multi-faced creatures that are meant to play different roles at different times, and consistency is a mere fantasy? Each role designed for each different purpose, and action leads to consequence. Who's to bear these consequences?
Tomorrow will be the official start to my new school term. Wonder what will happen..
But whatever it is..
"I feel a strange change approaching."
God, be there for me.. I ask no blessings and grace, just your presence that I may seek refuge in.
"Free me from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge."
-Psalms 31:4
{you are my light}
Monday, July 12, 2010
Stairway to heaven
Turn your face to the sun, and your shadows will remain behind you.
And if you listen very hard, the truth will come to you at last.
When I say.. "I am a Christian",
I'm not shouting "I am saved!"
I'm whispering "I got lost.."
"That is why I chose this way."
When I say.. "I am a Christian",
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need someone to be my guide.
When I say.. "I am a Christian",
I'm not trying to be strong,
I'm professing that I'm weak
and pray for strength to carry on.
When I say.. "I am a Christian",
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and cannot ever pay the debt.
When I say.. "I am a Christian",
I'm not claiming to be perfect.
My flaws are too visible
but God believes I'm worth it.
When I say.. "I am a Christian",
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
which is why I seek his name.
When I say.. "I am a Christian",
I do not wish to judge
I have no authority
I only know I am loved.
-Carol Wimmer
It seems like a trend these days, to pursue power, wealth and authority when sometimes people don't realise that humans are weak in nature, and that there are so many things in this world that are out of our control; not within our sphere of influence.
Most people like to see American Blockbusters with the main hero kicking butt and doing all that fanciful stunts, and we admire their acumen, charisma and self-confidence.
But How many times do we see the people behind supporting these heroes? Do we praise Robin for backing Batman while fighting crime? Do we thank Aunt May for being Spiderman's pillar of support? What's Spongebob without Patrick? What's life without God?
"He's like a junk-artist. He shapes our odds and ends into something that is both beautiful and useful for His Kingdom. Never stop believing in what He can do for you as miracles do exist."
Today, I experienced something and to me, it's amazing.
It started off in the arcade on the top level of Suntec City tower, where dear wanted to play the machines for fun to perhaps kill time or attempt to grab that cute, fluffy stitch toy. haha xD
And I knew, that these arcade machines with cute little toys inside are nothing but hokum and are Scamming machines, cause they're almost impossible to win and it's simply a waste of money. But somehow, I felt this rush inside me.. To try this particular machine similar to the infamous, notorious claw machine. This machine requires you to place the pusher directly into the hole and push down the number plate to claim a prize. Somehow I allowed myself to play it and 'waste' money despite having the experience of spending so much unnecessary cash on arcade games. It felt different; I knew I was going to win something. At first, I didn't understand how the machine works.. I tried like 3 times? And I heard my inferior voice coming out "Told you so, idiot! these machines are designed to make you lose!"
I didn't give up and I told her to change tokens one last time for me and I wanted to win for her. Amazingly, I found the trick and I won the gift exactly at the last two tokens! :D Hahaha, I still remember how shocked she was to receive the gift, and how silly we acted in front of the staff member.
I was reminded of how important the lesson on faith is, To Live by faith and not by sight. Many times we don't see the light and we ask ourselves why is this happening to us? Why does God allow us to feel pain and sorrow even though He loves us so?
We always ask why God allows the blockage of routes we want to take and we whine and cry about it, not realising that maybe the blockage is God himself. He can't perfofrm his miracles if you aren't on his frequency, divergent from the path set for you right from the start of your creation.
For the past mid years and World cup, and even today.. I have seen my fair share of miracles and unbelievable feats. I may still not know what plans God has for me, but I shall have faith to keep moving on. And I'll learn more on this journey, and one day I know I will hear his thundering, firm voice.
My life has been a miracle and even a blessing to others. It's a raw testament to God's wonders and amazing grace. I know I am weak, but God values the weak because when they rise, it's not due to their own strengths and talents, but rather to highlight the power of the Lord. I give thanks for God's everlasting Grace and blessings. :D
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutons, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
{you are my light}
Thursday, July 01, 2010
Please Don't promise me forever..
http://www.rotatingcorpse.com/dear_diary/please-dont-promise-me-forever/3027.html
haha, koped this from Shayne's blog, and it really touched me.
"Please don't try to keep it from me when you're feeling down. I'll never be able to share your joy if you protect me from your sadness. Please don't ever say never, and please don't promise me forever. All I ask is that you love me now."
Really like this line. I guess when things go wrong between a couple. The more you should love the other party.
"You and I were different. We came from different worlds, and yet you were the one who taught me the value of love."
:)
All the best for your paper tomorrow dear!!
I'll be supporting you! xD
and
I miss you..
{you are my light}