I really need that ripple back in my life..

It's been more than 7 months now and I know things look so gloomy now, how bleak and disgusting they must be.. I did some mental reflection and it is about time we got really honest with one another.

"We are two immensely broken selves that need to be healed."

Whether you believe it or not, you still have the power to make me feel thrilled and happy when I see you. I still can feel chemistry when i hug you, and those three simple words still mean a lot to me.

I guess what happened between us is a product of implications and assumptions, complicated with past unsettled grievances.

I assumed you weren't a romantic and didn't see much of the things I got you, so I didn't see the point of me doing extra stuff for you. Which continues to be backed up by other 'evidences' like you saying you're not a romantic and how you don't see the point of giving gifts because of the whole flow of money etc.
That's the part I know- the part I didn't know was how much you treasured my gifts and that you'll draw immense strength from it all the time. I didn't know that you actually realised about how close we were to our third album and the notion that you do take great lengths to notice these details.
I'd consider such behaviours as a romantist and very admirable, but i guess i knew too late?

There are so many other misconceptions that I realised I had been having, so many wronged turns we had to take when it was unnecessary in the first place.

I tried making amends and taking efforts to make things work out, but somehow it doesn't turn out fine. It's easy to question one's actions, to attribute blame to another, but how easy is it to face up your mistakes and really acknowledge your error? Instead of questioning one's actions, why not just believe it's real? What makes questioning dangerous is end result of being lost and full of doubt.

I've come to realise how great and happy I was, but blinded by silly and petulant arguments which didn't even need to happen. Feels kind of like Olive in 'Easy A' where one supposedly 'harmless' lie turned out to be a disaster that kept on piling up, and soon over time it doesn't matter what is the truth, because actions override intentions. All that matters in the end is being honest with yourself.

I always thought that my actions would be a testament to my gratitude but it took me long enough to realise that all she wanted was just us being happy side by side.
I assumed the role of a knight, a 'protector' and wanted to be more than what I am. To be whatever she praised other guys, to be better than them, to be a more worthy guy to invest quality time and precious effort in. But I couldn't do so and I felt hurt when she said I was simply trying to be good for my own selfish sake when in reality, I didn't see the praises she had for me and I only saw the hurtful comments. All I wanted was to make her happier but I guess my actions didn't reflect that.

I am suddenly reminded of 'You and I' by Robert McGough.

You And I

I explain quietly. You
hear me shouting. You
try a new tack. I
feel old wounds reopen.

You see both sides. I
see your blinkers. I
am placatory. You
sense a new selfishness.

I am a dove. You
recognize the hawk. You
offer an olive branch. I
feel the thorns.

You bleed. I
see crocodile tears. I
withdraw. You
reel from the impact.


I dug up all the stuff you gave me and I feel so much better inside. Because you're right, it doesn't matter who is wrong or at fault. The fact is we're both sick of arguing with one another and these assumptions and misconceptions we have about one another just makes it worse. I am thankful for all the memories you have graciously supplied me with and I really treasure them.

:)

My recent character has been built on different situations and bad choices. My inconsistencies are founded upon my failure to bring you smiles like how I would with ease in the past. It's like you said, you could look into my eyes and smile to yourself.. I wonder where's that gotten to. These days I could do stupid stuff (that I'm really not proud of and wished I didn't do) on the trains in hopes to see that smile but it does hurt knowing i get 'retarded' and 'lame' as a reply. I know you didn't mean it but I want that smile back, I want to see a really happy Eunice.


I really want to be that guy again. I still listen to kanon songs over and over again for old times' sake. I still read your 'journal' (while I was away in HK) over and over again. I would even re-read my old revision notes not to see my homework, but to see what you've doodled on. When I play Angry Birds, I think of you..

I firmly believe that you are as close to someone based on how intimate you want to be.
I don't need to relive old memories, because I believe we can create better memories.
'Couples fight all the time', 'You and I cannot get along', 'You don't understand my pain' etc. I think these are quotes we have to remove before we can advance.

What do you say? Ready to remove all old negative mindsets we have about one another and embark on new quest with me? Keep the good memories, but learning from our mistakes. After all, it's the end of As and we do have more time for one another now! haha xD

I'll be waiting for you..