Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Cry me a river
I really need that ripple back in my life..
It's been more than 7 months now and I know things look so gloomy now, how bleak and disgusting they must be.. I did some mental reflection and it is about time we got really honest with one another.
"We are two immensely broken selves that need to be healed."
Whether you believe it or not, you still have the power to make me feel thrilled and happy when I see you. I still can feel chemistry when i hug you, and those three simple words still mean a lot to me.
I guess what happened between us is a product of implications and assumptions, complicated with past unsettled grievances.
I assumed you weren't a romantic and didn't see much of the things I got you, so I didn't see the point of me doing extra stuff for you. Which continues to be backed up by other 'evidences' like you saying you're not a romantic and how you don't see the point of giving gifts because of the whole flow of money etc.
That's the part I know- the part I didn't know was how much you treasured my gifts and that you'll draw immense strength from it all the time. I didn't know that you actually realised about how close we were to our third album and the notion that you do take great lengths to notice these details.
I'd consider such behaviours as a romantist and very admirable, but i guess i knew too late?
There are so many other misconceptions that I realised I had been having, so many wronged turns we had to take when it was unnecessary in the first place.
I tried making amends and taking efforts to make things work out, but somehow it doesn't turn out fine. It's easy to question one's actions, to attribute blame to another, but how easy is it to face up your mistakes and really acknowledge your error? Instead of questioning one's actions, why not just believe it's real? What makes questioning dangerous is end result of being lost and full of doubt.
I've come to realise how great and happy I was, but blinded by silly and petulant arguments which didn't even need to happen. Feels kind of like Olive in 'Easy A' where one supposedly 'harmless' lie turned out to be a disaster that kept on piling up, and soon over time it doesn't matter what is the truth, because actions override intentions. All that matters in the end is being honest with yourself.
I always thought that my actions would be a testament to my gratitude but it took me long enough to realise that all she wanted was just us being happy side by side.
I assumed the role of a knight, a 'protector' and wanted to be more than what I am. To be whatever she praised other guys, to be better than them, to be a more worthy guy to invest quality time and precious effort in. But I couldn't do so and I felt hurt when she said I was simply trying to be good for my own selfish sake when in reality, I didn't see the praises she had for me and I only saw the hurtful comments. All I wanted was to make her happier but I guess my actions didn't reflect that.
I am suddenly reminded of 'You and I' by Robert McGough.
You And I
I explain quietly. You
hear me shouting. You
try a new tack. I
feel old wounds reopen.
You see both sides. I
see your blinkers. I
am placatory. You
sense a new selfishness.
I am a dove. You
recognize the hawk. You
offer an olive branch. I
feel the thorns.
You bleed. I
see crocodile tears. I
withdraw. You
reel from the impact.
I dug up all the stuff you gave me and I feel so much better inside. Because you're right, it doesn't matter who is wrong or at fault. The fact is we're both sick of arguing with one another and these assumptions and misconceptions we have about one another just makes it worse. I am thankful for all the memories you have graciously supplied me with and I really treasure them.
:)
My recent character has been built on different situations and bad choices. My inconsistencies are founded upon my failure to bring you smiles like how I would with ease in the past. It's like you said, you could look into my eyes and smile to yourself.. I wonder where's that gotten to. These days I could do stupid stuff (that I'm really not proud of and wished I didn't do) on the trains in hopes to see that smile but it does hurt knowing i get 'retarded' and 'lame' as a reply. I know you didn't mean it but I want that smile back, I want to see a really happy Eunice.
I really want to be that guy again. I still listen to kanon songs over and over again for old times' sake. I still read your 'journal' (while I was away in HK) over and over again. I would even re-read my old revision notes not to see my homework, but to see what you've doodled on. When I play Angry Birds, I think of you..
I firmly believe that you are as close to someone based on how intimate you want to be.
I don't need to relive old memories, because I believe we can create better memories.
'Couples fight all the time', 'You and I cannot get along', 'You don't understand my pain' etc. I think these are quotes we have to remove before we can advance.
What do you say? Ready to remove all old negative mindsets we have about one another and embark on new quest with me? Keep the good memories, but learning from our mistakes. After all, it's the end of As and we do have more time for one another now! haha xD
I'll be waiting for you..
{you are my light}
Monday, October 18, 2010
Because You Live
Staring out at the rain with a heavy heart
It's the end of the world in my mind
Then your voice pulls me back, like a wake-up call
I've been looking for the answer, somewhere
I couldn't see that it was right there
But now I know what I didn't know
Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself
When nobody else can help because you live girl
My world has twice as many stars in the sky
I'm so glad I found an angel
Someone, who was there when all my hopes fell
I wanna fly looking in your eyes
Today's a really special day for someone.. :)
Hope she'll remember today for as long as it takes.
18 years of age is definitely a day worth of celebrating and rejoicing.
Darling, happy birthday :)
*haha, I know my trite wishes have already failed to be delectable*
A few days ago, we were almost on the brink of collapse, and our relationship was definitely shaky and intermittent, in which our mood swings further aggravated the situation.
After much weighted consideration and self-reflection, I realised my folly and why things turned out so disastrous. We did have grave problems of miscommunication..
Observe.
Said already but Don't listen..
Listen already but Don't Do..
Do already but Do wrongly..
Did wrongly but Don't admit..
Admit already but Don't change..
Changed already but Not satisfied..
Not satisfied but Don't say!
Sounds familiar dear? Haha
Hopefully, we,'ll be able to overcome this issue together and progressively from today onwards, we'll head towards a brighter direction. I'm curious about your birthday wish you made when you blew your cake, but I do hope however, that it doesn't kill the joy in your heart, extinguish the fire in your eyes. Your congenial laughter and lovely smile is always a remedy for my heart's woes.
May your jovial spirit continue to flourish and move closer to maturation as you grow to become a healthier person. :D Here's my blessing to you :D
I know the As have been a hassle, pushed you up and down, screwed with your mind and toyed with your emotions. But hey, even in pain we ought to be thankful, as long as you believe; miracles will happen. Yes, they will. :D
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
-Romans 5:3-4
It's the final lap now!
Let's go!
{you are my light}
Friday, September 24, 2010
I will follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Do you know? That's the feeling I get from you everytime you bring me out of this pathetic misery.. It's as though you are unafraid to walk with me into darkness, be it self-inflicted or not. Your fearless love for me is something I'll remember. Always. :D
Thank you God for giving me such a tolerant and forgiving girl,
And thank you for knocking some sense into me, letting me realise how stupid and ignorant I've been these few days. I didn't fully appreciate your presence, you being there for me. In times of illnesses and in times of embarrassment and awkwardness. Thank you for sharing these precious moments with me.
Haha, remember all the tissues we've used..
When I was sick, you were there.
haha, cui faces!
When I needed support, you were there.
haha, chibi gaylen!! :D
When I was fixing my gundams (even though you don't like them..), you were there.
haha, your fringe was always split.. :D
When I needed a smile, some joy and blithe in my life, you were there.
Thank you, really.
You're bringing a great positive change within me. You don't know how much an impact you've made on me dear (:
Anyways,
Watched 'Devil' today, and it was another M. Night Shyamalan production. And as usual, his shows often have this weird twists and as Eunice strongly suggests, I think he is crazy too. A whacky genius that produce shows with dichotomous and polemical effects, either awesome, or totally thumbs down.
Guess the 'Devil' was a good watch :D It greatly aided in removing tensions before our invective and vituperative ructions before the show.
The film really made us more relaxed compared to before we entered the cinema. I promise k? One day, I'll do whatever you want to do. Instead of just following me around to do what I like. After the movie, we headed out to Daiso, and bought swimming gear and exercising stuff! Both of us agreed to go out and get tanned, get abs back, and lead healthy lives. :D
And because of this, I am proud to say: I finally got my ass into a swimming pool!! I touched water with chlorine after 2 years! :D
It feels so divine to smell a mixture or chlorine and urine well coalesced into your skin. Coupled with the feeling of diving underwater, far away from harsh realities of this world, it is simply- for a lack of a better word, ass-kicking :D
It's been years since I felt water flooding into my ears, and also the feeling of just staying afloat, emptied of all stress and languorous emotions. Simply wonderful. I feel so rejuvenated and revived after so long!
Really happy day for me, though there were mixed and ambivalent emotions throughout..
Someone told me Happiness is a choice, well more like enforcing my words.. But she asked this thought provoking question. "What's your picture of happiness?"
The moment she asked me that, I knew I didn't have an answer. BUT dear,
Now I have the answer.
My picture of happiness is this. This notion of being able to hold your hand and feel loved, I realised I always had happiness in front of my very eyes.
I just stupidly pushed it away, denying myself this opportunity, and not partaking in my share of the happiness we both share together.
I choose happiness.
I choose you.
"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Thank you God.
Tomorrow will be a better day :)
{you are my light}
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
All Time Low
Hiding won't hide it
Smiling won't hide it
Like I ain't tried it
Everyone's tried it now
And failed somehow
So when you gonna let me
When you gonna let me out - Out
And if you know
How do you get up from an all time low
I'm in pieces
Seems like peace is
The only thing I'll never know
How do you get up
From an all time low
Can you hear me?
Can't you hear me?
Without a doubt, left with less than 45 days to the much feared and 'anticipated' A levels.. I must be mad, I thought.
Stressed? Yes.
Scared? Definitely.
I like answering my own questions, I realised. Is that a problem? No.
I've been wondering these days, what is the greatest sin? Believing but not acting out? Passive overcoming the active? Or is it the indulgence of the Seven Deadly Sins- inclusive of the subtle, yet deadly Fear..
What constitutes the greater sinner? I'm just saying.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Talent
This is the word tightrope. Now imagine
a man, inching across it in the space
between our thoughts. He holds our breath.
There is no word net.
You want him to fall, don't you?
I guessed as much; he teeters but succeeds.
The word applause is written all over him.
-Carol Ann Duffy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lord, I need you.. You see my inner darkness so please,
Cast out my demon..!
If demons were to have an aura, and each aura a different colour..
I know mine would be black. The darkest of them all, the one that sins the most, and always fears..
even himself.
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” -Psalms 23:4
.. Are you there?
I'm a lost black sheep filled with sin.
Father.. Will guide me home? I'm sorry.
Will you grant me the faith to move on and allow me to see beyond my narrow, limited 'human' perspectives?
Let me tide through, I beg you...
{you are my light}
Sunday, August 22, 2010
By my side
I'm just listening to the clock go ticking,
I am waiting as the time goes by.
I think of you with every breath I take,
I need to feel your heartbeat next to mine.
You're all I see, in everything.
I just wanna hold you,
I just wanna kiss you,
I just wanna love you all my life.
I normally wouldn't say this,
but I just can't contain it.
I want you here forever,
right here by my side.
All the fears you feel inside,
and all the tears you cry,
they're ending right here.
I'll heal your heart and soul;
I'll keep you oh so close.
Don't worry; I'll never let you go.
You're all I need, you're everything.
No one else will ever do.
I got a stubborn heart for you.
Call me crazy, but its true; I love you.
I didn't think that it would be, you have made it clear to me.
You're all I need.
I guess pictures are self-explanatory yes? Hahaha
In a condensed summary..
Eating at HPC,
Walking along the IR,
Touring around the Esplanade,
Watching David Choi live,
and that made my day ^^
Such utopian days like these won't last long I guess, they won't appear so often anymore especially when copious amounts of work are piling up and collecting dust on my desk. I do not have the luxury or the time to be as loquacious or garrulous but to be crisp and brief, focused and concise on my priorities, which admittedly, have been adjusted in the wrong direction.. After today's sermon, I realised that when a human falls or has reached a dead-end and enters a stupefied position, there are four main things that person normally does.
1. Run away, avoiding the problem or downfall as much as possible
2. Complain, express immense amounts of dissatisfaction and use vituperative language to unleash their inner discontent
3. Live in denial, refusing to even acknowledge the problem's existence
4. Keep on trying harder.
I'm guilty of number 4, constantly trying to push myself past my limits and not even aware of whether i'm headed towards the correct and designated path. I've carried this mentality that if you keep trying harder, one day you will reach it; failing to realise that we're all weak in nature, that some battles can never be won.. and it is ultimately God's path we must walk on.
Because of this, I am responsible of derogation and disparaging his intended rules and laws, detracting from authority and also straying in character (as a child of God)
I've grown afraid of human's expectations, that I forgot all about Him, and how all he wants us is to believe inside our hearts and to execute it on the surface. God, I have sinned.. Forgive me.
"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize." -1 Corinthians 9:24-27
I guess the key to being a really healthy person inside and outside, is to stay congruent with God. Only then, can you be free and only then can you receive blessings and love others unconditionally.
At least Now I know better.. :)
{you are my light}
Friday, August 13, 2010
Tattoo
You're on my heart just like a tattoo
I'll always have you
Just like a tattoo
Unsure of your reactions and perceptions of me now that I've said what I wanna say inside.
But I've made up my mind, I will go for the jugular, and make every effort to be a better man. And I won't let it be at the cost of my happiness or my health. I know you can't help but be worried sometimes, I understand and acknowledge that. Still, believe and you shall see miracles. When you mentioned that you miss those days, those kanon days, those days where you can just lean on me without a care in the world. I know I missed them too, so badly in fact.. I wanted to become the guy you fell in love with again, that guy that was well organised, clear and straight-forward, decisive and firm in times of frailties and weaknesses. A person dependable, reliable and trustworthy. I want to lead a steadfast life, veracious and truthful to myself.
I'm really worn out.. But I'm happy, really happy :)
I know there will be more memories to come.. :D
I think I'm crazy..
sigh, I really miss you... and I'm crazy in love with you..
{you are my light}
Sunday, August 08, 2010
Superman
If I could be your superman,
I'd fly you to the stars and back again.
'cause everytime you touched my hand,
You feel my powers running through your veins.
But I can only write this song,
And tell you that I'm not that strong.
'Cause I'm no superman, I hope you like me as I am'
-Joe Brooks
Beautiful lyrics.. Simple and straight to the point. Nobody's superman, and no one's ever perfect. I can't comprehend why Justin Bieber is more famous and star-studded than him..
Girl, I read your blog.. And I want to affirm and reassure you this, you don't need to try too hard to please me or make me smile. Because you can share anything with me, I'm always here to listen and I'll support you the best I can! :D
And yes in retrospect, we 'chose each other', and til this day I bear no regrets about being together with you.. So let's make it all worthwhile! :) After witnessing my two good friends having so much trouble with such pertinent issues, it really impels me to treasure you even more with each passing day. To constantly remind myself that your love is not to be taken granted, and if I could.. I'd want to protect you as much as I can. I know you've been through a lot this week, I really wish you get well soon! :D We're left with 90 days.. and time is ticking away....
Got this on litespeed from Mr Chng.
"This is indeed the last stretch before your sole purpose in JC for the past 2 years. Give it your best shot for the next 5 weeks and you will have months next year to play and do whatever you want. And that's the truth. It is a simple and short 5 weeks of hardwork and that's it. It is ultimately your own lives. Nobody owes you a living. If you want to achieve your dreams you will have to work for it. Cut off all your hair, clench your fists, bite your lips, and give your 110% for the A-levels. The least you can do is to give it your best bloody shot so that you will have no regrets!"
It sounds like he's making a military oratory, in an attempt to spur determination and encouraging that 'die with honour' attitude. ^^
But, I know he's right.. It's getting nearer and nearer, that much 'anticipated' and much feared A levels.
The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.
-Psalm 9:9-10
God, please enlighten me with your wisdom and fill me with determination and motivation. I know I am weak, undeserving for any blessings and grace that you have bestowed upon my shoulders.. Yet, you saved us and crucified your only son to die for our sins..
Praise the Lord! :D
..Sometimes I wonder how can you love us so much despite everything we humans have done?
{you are my light}
Sunday, August 01, 2010
Nothin' on you
A tiptoe, and a kiss on the go
Beautiful girls all over the world
I could be chasing but my time would be wasted
They got nothing on you baby
Nothing on you baby
They might say hi and I might say hey
But you shouldn't worry about what they say
Cos they got nothing on you baby
Nothing on you baby
It's been more than 3 months. How time flies and glides by our very eyes.. I feel honoured and revered that 'You're my Queen of Spades, and I'm your King of Hearts'. I know it's honestly been hard on you, I am well aware of my 'tendencies'. Tendencies to dwell into regressive, unhealthy parochialism. Perhaps you've found me bemusing and bewildering on innumerable occasions where I unknowingly enter dire states of utter despair and desolation when things are still aren't as bad as they look. I understand that because of my past, I have made my heart aposematic, built for 'danger-detection' and constructed in careful consideration only serving to protect myself from harm. As a result, I have caused you to suffer. But darling, do know this: everyday I find these walls built around me slowly crumbling piece by piece. Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else thinks you will crumble, makes a difference and that is true strength. Thank you for not giving up on me :D
It's 1 am in the morning, and I'm still thinking about you, missing you so much..and I inevitably thought about our recent studying date together to maybe make me feel slightly happier :)
'act slim' face. haha xD
seb: 'rawr, take what sai pic.. '
Eunice: *ignores and continues to 'act cute' :D
haha, how many days do we have left? hmmmm.. 99 days? I guess time is not at our favour. I often wished I could spend more quality time with you, but I know striking that balance is equally important as well. A productive day today has been, nearly 8 hours of non-stop studying. Eyelids are heavy, weary yawns are appearing and my sight's getting blurry. Looks like it's time for some well deserved rest? haha xD I will see you tomorrow I guess! :D
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
-Galatians 6:9
I won't give up!
{you are my light}
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Think of you
When i dream i think of you
breath i think of you
all day i think of you
give all my love to you my baby boo
swear its true all i do is think of you
When i pray i think of you
far away i think of you
all day i think of you
my heart belongs to you my baby boo
yes its true all i do is think of you
I love the way you make me feel.
This got me stuck between my fantasy and what is real.
I need it when I want it.
I want it when I don't.
Tell myself I'd stop everyday,
Knowing that I won't
And I know this much is true
Baby, you have become my addiction.
I'm so strung out on you
I can barely move...but I like it,
and it's all because of you.
Cliche I know, but I'll admit it...
I am in love with you, and I miss you..
I know my image to you is probably obliterated, demolished, and possibly wrecked and tattered into pieces. Maybe I don't deserve you, or perhaps I am not entitled to your love since I have done, ... with ... that aren't so pleasing. I know I have freaked you out today, and I'm sorry. I wished I could simply discard my darkness into a thrash bin or something, removing it comprehensively and completely. It's like a tattoo that I can't remove, a stain that stays and lingers on, refusing to come off. I can only choose to walk away and get over it, which I have.
But I won't deny, it hurt upon knowing your reaction.. And you probably didn't know the amount of courage I mustered to tell you, the amount of bravery I gathered. I know you want the truth, you always wanted to know more and more, your curiousity seems like a bottomless pit, never-ending and always growing deeper. But how much can one take? I hope nothing will change after everything today- foolish I may be, but hope I will, continue holding onto.
During these 3 months, I knew I had to protect you. Your innocence, unsophisticated, 'child-like' attitude towards life was something that I was determined to ferociously defend at all costs. But darling, I've also learnt that over time I have seen you fully capable of being self-independent and you are able protect yourself just fine. And I know you have become someone I can trust, someone that I can just pour my heart's deepest troubles into. So, please don't make me lose that trust..? I have given you my heart. Something I hold dear to and it means a lot to me. Maybe just for once,
Could you protect me?
I really don't want it to affect or come between us anymore.
It isn't fair.
And I hate it.
All the knowledge I possess everyone else can acquire, but my heart is all my own
- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
Sigh.. I really miss you.. :(
{you are my light}
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
High Road
All I really need is some room to breathe
Is anybody out there listening?
Rumors and labels and categorization
I'm like a struggling doctor, no patients
But you can say what you want about me
keep talking while I'm walking away
You can say what you have to say
'cause my mind's made up anyway
I'm taking the high road going above you
this is the last time that I'm gonna trust you
You can say what you have to say
'cause my mind's made up anyway
all that bullshit you talk might work a lot
but it's not gonna work today
No one judges you because no one can.
no one hurts you because no one can.
no one tells you what to do because no one can.
But that doesn't mean you can. haha doesn't matter..
After all, I'm one of them aren't I?
Suffocate, strangulate, asphyxiate.
This facade determined to destroy, I will.
I know you show no contrition, penitence or slightest bit of remorse..
Look in my eyes and find blithe and amusement in the fear I've hidden so well.
Your intimidating hawk-like stare searches deep, preparing for the kill.
Petrified and panic-stricken, I search for a place called 'home', but with no avail. You tie an invisible rope around my throat and take delight in my futile struggle..
Each day, I ponder to myself and I question your conscience..
But with each passing day, the rope gets tighter-
yet your smile gets wider.
Are you even human?
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
Romans 8:1-2
I know God will free those from punishment completely, but I always wonder what's the incentive for people to not commit crimes and sins, if they can always get forgiveness anyways. Does that give them the license to sin, because they intend to repent afterwards?
{you are my light}
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Hold on hope
"That nothing grows on,
But time still goes on,
And through each life of misery,
Everybody's got a hold on hope,
It's the last thing that's holding me."
I really shouldn't be blogging but.. I need an outlet to express myself before I can really get into the mood of studying.
How do you feel when nothing goes right? When your heart screams for company inside, wants to be heard so badly? A listening ear is all you ask for. A glimpse of hope is all you wish to see. Desolation and emptiness fills your stomach, and your soul wanders off in search of some security and comfort. Languidness, languor and lassitude find their way into the physical and spiritual self, attacking your willpower and your mental endurance starts to thin out. This week, it feels like as though I've been fulgurated, hard stricken by a jolt of lightning.
Mid year results.
In a nutshell, the only commendable subject would be my History which I surprisingly touched a B grade. The rest were just.. disappointing and demoralising.
Still, I give thanks because I have learnt so much more and I will not lose that precious light called hope. Though surreal and phantasmagoric, hope is something we ought to keep holding onto. Perhaps we think optimisim is just mere fiction or characterized by fantastic imagery and incongruous juxtapositions. Think that, and we've unknowingly resigned ourselves to failure. Excellence is to do our very best and attempting to surpass our own limits, and without the element of wanting to 'keep on moving', we'd always be stuck at a level of prolonged stagnation.
I want to do well, this time. For real.
I'm tired of stagnating, and I am constantly on the verge of falling. Just a little push, and it is enough to make me hit rock bottom with a sore bum.
Now I know, that I'm really just a pawn in His hands, and defiance of the individual will against the powers of the divine just proves to be nothing but tragic futility.
Now I know.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
-Matthew 11:28-30
Take 10, people!
Admittedly, though I recall whining and complaining about the rehearsal schedules and all the 'pointless' practice sessions, I know that inside I feel this indescribable sense of accomplishment and fulfillment. Maybe without notice, I have harboured an unsatisfiable desire to keep on playing and playing with these guys, indulging in the healing powers of music. It's a great memory to take away from NYJC. And when we graduate, I know I will always remember this day, a day full of suspense and excitement, a day as clear as crystal and as fresh as ever.
But I guess now is the time to focus on studies and concentrate solely on A levels.
A pact made with my dearest,
And a promise to myself I must fulfill.
To this 106 days rat-race, I shall not kneel
Time is the key and what I must wrest.
Look nowhere but inside your heart-
though ruthlessly torn apart,
someone must take charge!
God I surrender myself to you
for I know I'm in safe hands-
even though I wished I knew
about those grand plans.
"Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future."
Can I depend on you..?
{you are my light}
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Hold on
Lord, here's my prayer to you.
To give thanks for this week,
and also to seek strength from you,
so that I can continue to hold on, and don't stop my breathing..
This week has been a rather inspiring week though it's undoubtedly tiring and disappointing in so many aspects. I still choose to give thanks for these 'setbacks' because when one hits rock bottom, there is only one path left to take, and that is to go upwards. I give thanks for the discipleship session with En Han and David. It feels good to hang out with people whom are on a much higher level of maturity compared to me, and I'm able to depend on them for advice.
And it's fun to laugh at En Han's socially awkwardness when dealing with humans of the opposite gender. haha xD
It's really touching that he actually remembered my birthday and got me a sweet card, which I am very honoured to have received it. It wrote:
The world's greatest teenager:
This person is qualified to receive this award because after extensive and detailed research, it has been found that he/she is
Totally cool
Never causes any trouble
Smashingly brilliant
Virtually perfect in every way
Though people might find it lame and stupid, I think so otherwise since he only gave it to two people in church til this day, so there ought to be some value in it yes?
I often wonder why people backstab one another, hurt one another and enter the path of revenge, when it only leads to greater hurt.. I wonder why people like to condemn others when they themselves are not perfect.. I wonder why people fight, when we can live in harmony. Is there really no hope, no room for improvement even? :(
I guess this world is really just a zero-sum game and there is simply no such thing as a win-win situation. Maybe this world needs more love, needs more encouragement and less bitterness..
"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who ill-treat you.
If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic.
Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. " -Luke 6:27-30
It's so simple, yet so difficult.
This mid years results; not good. I haven't failed Maths for such a long time, perhaps this is God's version of a wake-up call for me to really start investing time in my rusty Mathematics.. My other H2 subjects aren't fantastic either, with Economics estimated to fail and Lit with a rather disappointing outlook.. I know it's time to start moving, time to wake up, and hopefully it isn't too late..
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I can change, the courage to change the things that I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.
"Do you know how to grill a steak?"
I guess I still don't,
would you guide and teach me how to?
{you are my light}
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
I see your true colours
Nothingness show its nature when change happens and you are in the awareness of change, not under the concept change
Today I finally see a glimpse of what the world looks like. So much has changed, and to a degree I wonder: why do people even change? I don't understand anymore. Logical people become sentimental, and emotional learn to strategise. Jigsaw puzzles are meant to confuse and one missing piece makes the final work incomplete. I wonder if people change just because they feel like it, or because it is really time for change.
I did feel like a mouse playing a in cat's territory today. I felt like I'm just being stared at and waiting for the cat to devour me whole, and I've entered a cat's world.
Who knows? I'm just saying. Mouses are pests and disease spreading creatures. Perhaps the very purpose of domestication of cats is to catch and to hunt mice. And by doing so, the law and order gets maintained and everything'll be in control.
"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts."
-William Shakespeare
Maybe it's true. We're all multi-faced creatures that are meant to play different roles at different times, and consistency is a mere fantasy? Each role designed for each different purpose, and action leads to consequence. Who's to bear these consequences?
Tomorrow will be the official start to my new school term. Wonder what will happen..
But whatever it is..
"I feel a strange change approaching."
God, be there for me.. I ask no blessings and grace, just your presence that I may seek refuge in.
"Free me from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge."
-Psalms 31:4
{you are my light}
Monday, July 12, 2010
Stairway to heaven
Turn your face to the sun, and your shadows will remain behind you.
And if you listen very hard, the truth will come to you at last.
When I say.. "I am a Christian",
I'm not shouting "I am saved!"
I'm whispering "I got lost.."
"That is why I chose this way."
When I say.. "I am a Christian",
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need someone to be my guide.
When I say.. "I am a Christian",
I'm not trying to be strong,
I'm professing that I'm weak
and pray for strength to carry on.
When I say.. "I am a Christian",
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and cannot ever pay the debt.
When I say.. "I am a Christian",
I'm not claiming to be perfect.
My flaws are too visible
but God believes I'm worth it.
When I say.. "I am a Christian",
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
which is why I seek his name.
When I say.. "I am a Christian",
I do not wish to judge
I have no authority
I only know I am loved.
-Carol Wimmer
It seems like a trend these days, to pursue power, wealth and authority when sometimes people don't realise that humans are weak in nature, and that there are so many things in this world that are out of our control; not within our sphere of influence.
Most people like to see American Blockbusters with the main hero kicking butt and doing all that fanciful stunts, and we admire their acumen, charisma and self-confidence.
But How many times do we see the people behind supporting these heroes? Do we praise Robin for backing Batman while fighting crime? Do we thank Aunt May for being Spiderman's pillar of support? What's Spongebob without Patrick? What's life without God?
"He's like a junk-artist. He shapes our odds and ends into something that is both beautiful and useful for His Kingdom. Never stop believing in what He can do for you as miracles do exist."
Today, I experienced something and to me, it's amazing.
It started off in the arcade on the top level of Suntec City tower, where dear wanted to play the machines for fun to perhaps kill time or attempt to grab that cute, fluffy stitch toy. haha xD
And I knew, that these arcade machines with cute little toys inside are nothing but hokum and are Scamming machines, cause they're almost impossible to win and it's simply a waste of money. But somehow, I felt this rush inside me.. To try this particular machine similar to the infamous, notorious claw machine. This machine requires you to place the pusher directly into the hole and push down the number plate to claim a prize. Somehow I allowed myself to play it and 'waste' money despite having the experience of spending so much unnecessary cash on arcade games. It felt different; I knew I was going to win something. At first, I didn't understand how the machine works.. I tried like 3 times? And I heard my inferior voice coming out "Told you so, idiot! these machines are designed to make you lose!"
I didn't give up and I told her to change tokens one last time for me and I wanted to win for her. Amazingly, I found the trick and I won the gift exactly at the last two tokens! :D Hahaha, I still remember how shocked she was to receive the gift, and how silly we acted in front of the staff member.
I was reminded of how important the lesson on faith is, To Live by faith and not by sight. Many times we don't see the light and we ask ourselves why is this happening to us? Why does God allow us to feel pain and sorrow even though He loves us so?
We always ask why God allows the blockage of routes we want to take and we whine and cry about it, not realising that maybe the blockage is God himself. He can't perfofrm his miracles if you aren't on his frequency, divergent from the path set for you right from the start of your creation.
For the past mid years and World cup, and even today.. I have seen my fair share of miracles and unbelievable feats. I may still not know what plans God has for me, but I shall have faith to keep moving on. And I'll learn more on this journey, and one day I know I will hear his thundering, firm voice.
My life has been a miracle and even a blessing to others. It's a raw testament to God's wonders and amazing grace. I know I am weak, but God values the weak because when they rise, it's not due to their own strengths and talents, but rather to highlight the power of the Lord. I give thanks for God's everlasting Grace and blessings. :D
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutons, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
{you are my light}
Thursday, July 01, 2010
Please Don't promise me forever..
http://www.rotatingcorpse.com/dear_diary/please-dont-promise-me-forever/3027.html
haha, koped this from Shayne's blog, and it really touched me.
"Please don't try to keep it from me when you're feeling down. I'll never be able to share your joy if you protect me from your sadness. Please don't ever say never, and please don't promise me forever. All I ask is that you love me now."
Really like this line. I guess when things go wrong between a couple. The more you should love the other party.
"You and I were different. We came from different worlds, and yet you were the one who taught me the value of love."
:)
All the best for your paper tomorrow dear!!
I'll be supporting you! xD
and
I miss you..
{you are my light}
Sunday, June 27, 2010
隐形的翅膀-张韶涵
每一次 都在徘徊孤单中坚强
每一次 就算很受伤也不闪泪光
我知道 我一直有双隐形的翅膀
带我飞 飞过绝望
不去想 他们拥有美丽的太阳
我看见 每天的夕阳也会有变化
我知道 我一直有双隐形的翅膀
带我飞 给我希望
我终於 看到 所有梦想都开花
追逐的年轻 歌声多嘹亮
我终於 翱翔 用心凝望不害怕
哪里会有风 就飞多远吧
隐形的翅膀 让梦恒久比天长
留一个愿望 让自己想像
人如果失去了信心，还能算活着吗？
我要自由地飞，
在爱中不惧怕，
在爱中无伤悲
上帝啊，求你加添我力量和智慧，
把所有不属神的心思意念完全的除掉，
好让我能够带着一颗充满盼望的心态
来面对明天的考试。
不慌张，也不害怕。
因为有你在，万事都可能！
Let me believe in the unseen again; to believe in the intangible, not the tangible.
And let it start tomorrow.
I must have faith!!
{you are my light}
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Don't quit!
When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must but do not quit!
Success is failure inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit!
When life gets tougher, you try harder!
When you try harder, you grow stronger!
{you are my light}
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Dinner at Timbre's!!
Really had a great night!
I'm lazy to type out and besides, I think pictures mean more than words right? haha
Statue with nicely carved penis 'peeing' on me
Ethel asked me to act retarded like the statue.. -.-
Wanted to take a pic with me pinching his nipples but they were too small to be captured on film, so i just pointed at his thing, which is bigger, but well.. *still smaller than mine?* xD
Played truth or dare, and I was dared to hump every pillar three times.. T_T Haha but at least mine wasn't as bad as yan ming's..
Great night spent with my close friends ;D more pics on fb!
Anyways, this is for you.
Just so you know, I haven't felt so 'exposed' to someone for a very very long time. Don't get me wrong, I meant it as something positive. My girl knows how my house looks like now, and has sat on the spot I'm sitting now, lied on my bed, and even touched my drums. It's a huge step for me. I'm the kind of guy that likes to enjoy some degree of privacy, not cause I'm afraid, but perhaps a tad uncomfortable when people know too much about me.. I always have this hidden danger alert that is able to pick up signs and signals when people know too much about me. I don't like the feeling of being analysed and observed while I on the other hand, lack the information regarding the other party. I like it when I can read another person, when I have the 'upper hand' beacause I feel safe that way..
But somehow, I don't feel that way with you. At least the magnitude of the uncomfortable feeling is drastically reduced.. I'm actually more willing to show more stuff about me to you.. I actually want to let you know more about me, which is really unusual of me. I think my logic is failing me, and all I'm hearing is my heartbeat.. My heart that is beating for you..
I'm glad you've had a slight chance to met my family? haha at least you've met 3 of my family members.. You know my mum said I wasn't myself when you left the car. Why? Because I was unusually hyper and rarely so joyful. Says a lot doesn't it? haha
It's supposed to be scary that you are knowing more and more about me each day.. But somehow I feel a little more safer with you as the days go by.. :)
Weird...
anyways, i should go sleep and rest now... My nose killing me!!!
Had the flu for the entire day, simply because I decided to go *****less in an air con room after ****ing and my whole body was ***! =x
oops!
{you are my light}