Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Reflections..
I just realised how adaptable I am..
Perhaps it is a gift and a curse.
I always found it strange why I could become so random,
I seem to have the ability to surprise/entertain people easily, be it my 'acting' or my character.
I can adapt easily to situations,
and I progress quickly once I really understand the logic behind it.
It's also my curse as I don't seem to have a fixed personality of my own, a 'true self'.
I can become very capable at one moment, yet become totally useless the next.
I can be very emotionally stable at first, yet suffer from a bipolar disorder later on.
I am so easily molded by what people think of me. I tend to not have any opinion of my own, and I find this fear of rejection so compelling.
After this few days of serious reflecting,
I realised..
I always saw myself as being humble, as I always take in criticism without complain, allowing myself to be trampled.. and easily influenced by how others perceive me to be.
It never occurred to me that it would be false humility..
I thought true humility is cutting yourself down and letting people walk all over you; but I was wrong.
‘Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought,
but rather think of yourself with sober
judgment.’ Romans 12:3
I have seen myself more lowly than I should.
I have mistooken humility for the bad self-image I have created..
I think myself so poorly that I lack confidence, boldness or assertiveness.
I always reject the good comments I receive from other people,
"Sebas, you're a good drummer","Sebas, you're good in Maths"..
Honestly, I never really believed I was good in anything.. Even if I do, that feeling won't last
because my negativitiy will somehow darken out the light in my positive heart..
Sometimes, I even get the feeling that humility is to be humilated..
I finally know that it is wrong.
I have denied the fact that I matter to God..
I once viewed it as 'fashionable' to cut myself down or to minimize my gifts or to keep quiet because I often see my ideas as not worth sharing.
I have lied to myself for so long..
I guess I have yet to accept myself for who I am, which really is the cause for my identity crisis I have facing now..
I need to have an accurate view of myself now, thinking no more and no less than I am.
I want to boast about my weakness and God's sufficiency, God made me 'weak' for a reason.
So that I can be vessel for him to perform miracles on.
Not by my own strength, but by God's grace.
Boasting is the way some people cope with insecurity, many people are easily insecure. We're dying to feel good about ourselves, but pridefully building ourselves up will only cease to destroy us in the end.
God, I want to embrace true humility.
For a servant can only serve its master well with humility.
{you are my light}