Monday, June 14, 2010
what a long week...
It's been a really tiring week, a week full of fun and adventure. A week full of learning and mixed emotions, a week full of questions and answers. Church camp then a two day one night retreat to Resort World Sentosa with dear, and til now it feels like everything was just a dream.
"Ohana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten."
I never realised the biblical concept of 'one big family' the movie lilo and stitch was trying to convey..
Regardless of all shapes and sizes, characters and personalities.. We have to love everything that God creates. We are all one big family, and we should all love one another.
God blesses those who are honest and live out their faith in the name of Christ.
During the camp, I learnt that in life, challenges will always be present and in some point, we have to pick up our mat and move on with life. I learnt a lot in camp, and I learnt that by helping others we often receive more than those we help.
'Putting others above yourself. That was what I didn't like about you then.. Now it's out.'
I felt a werid sting in my heart when you said that.. Because I wanted to be a person like that.. a person that always puts others above myself, a person that loves others selflessly without any consideration to his own self. But then, I realised you're right. I am changing, I don't know whether it's for the worse or for the better.. Whether I was the one turning into someone selfish, only thinking about how to please your mother, how to look good and presentable.. I felt like I lost a part of myself in the process.. :(
Then you said you actually were mentally prepared to give up and break up.. It made me worry because when someone's mentally prepared to break up, then subconciously you'll likely to make it happen.. I really don't want that and I'm not even prepared to give you up.. I don't even know what I'll do without you..
I'm not sure if everything's really alright and that I'm thinking too much. I don't know what you need is personal space or my attention and presence? I want to be there for you, and I'm trying hard.. I will keep on trying.. I guessed I must have disappointed you in so many ways possible throughout the whole trip, and I'm so sorry.. I failed to make you happy during the USS visit, I failed to stay up all night with you like we promised. I failed to ease tensions and make you feel comfortable. It feels like you and your mum are the ones taking care of me instead.. And I feel so guilty, because I know I can do better than this. I can be someone you are proud of, just like in the past..
"I think you and i have so much that we dont know about each other. Yet we are going so fast. It ain't right."
Maybe you didn't know but that pierced my heart.. It hurt because it sounded like what a defeatist would say, it doesnt sound like the Eunice I know. If it isn't right.. Why accept me in the first place, why let it all start? I didn't mind getting rejected because I just wanted a reason to love you. I didn't care what happened to me, all I wanted was to give you joy and make you smile. And I guess my happiness mattered to you as well?
I'm guessing you're feeling insecure after everything. I want to tell you this. I'm still the same old Sebastian, the goofy silly boy. I am still me and I didn't change inside. I'm going to love you more after all of this because I know a little more about you and your life with each passing day, and it's going to bring me closer to you eventually. It's an adventure, and I wonder if you're still game and willing to take my hand and embark on this journey together with me? Regardless of the end product, will you walk with me? :)
{you are my light}