I really shouldn't be blogging but.. I need an outlet to express myself before I can really get into the mood of studying.

How do you feel when nothing goes right? When your heart screams for company inside, wants to be heard so badly? A listening ear is all you ask for. A glimpse of hope is all you wish to see. Desolation and emptiness fills your stomach, and your soul wanders off in search of some security and comfort. Languidness, languor and lassitude find their way into the physical and spiritual self, attacking your willpower and your mental endurance starts to thin out. This week, it feels like as though I've been fulgurated, hard stricken by a jolt of lightning.

In a nutshell, the only commendable subject would be my History which I surprisingly touched a B grade. The rest were just.. disappointing and demoralising.

Still, I give thanks because I have learnt so much more and I will not lose that precious light called hope. Though surreal and phantasmagoric, hope is something we ought to keep holding onto. Perhaps we think optimisim is just mere fiction or characterized by fantastic imagery and incongruous juxtapositions. Think that, and we've unknowingly resigned ourselves to failure. Excellence is to do our very best and attempting to surpass our own limits, and without the element of wanting to 'keep on moving', we'd always be stuck at a level of prolonged stagnation.
I want to do well, this time. For real.

I'm tired of stagnating, and I am constantly on the verge of falling. Just a little push, and it is enough to make me hit rock bottom with a sore bum.

Now I know, that I'm really just a pawn in His hands, and defiance of the individual will against the powers of the divine just proves to be nothing but tragic futility.

Take 10, people!

Admittedly, though I recall whining and complaining about the rehearsal schedules and all the 'pointless' practice sessions, I know that inside I feel this indescribable sense of accomplishment and fulfillment. Maybe without notice, I have harboured an unsatisfiable desire to keep on playing and playing with these guys, indulging in the healing powers of music. It's a great memory to take away from NYJC. And when we graduate, I know I will always remember this day, a day full of suspense and excitement, a day as clear as crystal and as fresh as ever.

But I guess now is the time to focus on studies and concentrate solely on A levels.